The following relationship "advice" is purely satirical and meant for entertainment purposes only -- please do not cite us in divorce court.

Each week, we'll be rounding up the internet's most interesting relationship questions and chiming right in. From nightmare first dates to exploring new fetishes, we're leaving no corner of the internet unexplored.

Was Ruining My Wife's Birthday Really Worth It?

My wife, 32, and I, 31, have been together for five years. I'm fed up with my wife's chronic lateness to many things. It's really annoying and grates on my nerves.

To her, it seems like no big deal because I always manage to rush her by telling her the time of an event 45 minutes earlier. She's never noticed earlier because she's too caught up with herself, constantly taking photos. That's the reason she's always late.

She has a decent following on Instagram and is looking to grow as a "content creator." I find it really silly how she turns everything we do into a photo session, and at this point, I've stopped agreeing to take her photos altogether.

We've had several conversations about this. I've told her that it's mentally exhausting for me to always have to stay on top of making sure we both get ready according to plan. But she never really does anything to address it.

This time, I wanted her to experience the consequences of her actions. This month alone, we've been embarrassingly late to events two times, and this time was the first she realized I hadn't been honest about the timing because I used to give her an ETA 40 minutes earlier. A week ago, I told her I wouldn't be doing that anymore and that I expected her to act like an adult and be more responsible.

It was her birthday this weekend, and I got her tickets to an event featuring several performers, including her favorite artists in the first act.

This time, as I'd already told her before, I didn't give her the extra 40-minute buffer. I expected her to remember our conversation and store that information in her head to plan accordingly. Instead, she did her whole influencer routine -- decorating our room, setting up studio lights, dressing up, and taking photos. The whole time, I knew she was missing out on her favorite artist because she didn't take me seriously. It was so ironic that I didn't even feel like reminding her. I'm done with the mental burden of always rushing and planning.

We arrived, and she realized what had happened. She got upset and started crying, asking how I could do this to her on her birthday. She said it seemed like I was liking the rise it got from her and asked why I couldn't set my "ego" aside for one day. I told her this was on her, I'd already made it clear I wasn't going to rush anymore, and she should have listened the first time and expected me to follow through, unlike her.

She said the whole point of the event was to see the performances of those artists, who we'd just missed. She was incredibly upset and kept crying off and on during the event.

The ride home was awkward. I was in the downstairs restroom when she texted me saying I wasn't welcome in the bedroom that night. I ignored her message and went in while she was changing. She looked like she wanted to kill me, and I simply told her that her saying I'm not welcome was irrelevant because it's my room too. If she's uncomfortable, she could take the couch. She ended up leaving to visit her mom, and I'm considering whether I was an asshole?

How is this a happy relationship for anyone involved? She annoys him, and he hates what she does for a living, not to mention they don't respect each other's boundaries. It's just wild to me that he wanted to teach her a stern lesson on her birthday. Being upset is fine, but, to me, it sounds like he wanted a fight -- and that's just not a healthy way to spark communication. Read the rest of the thread here.

My Wife's Spending Finally Broke Our Marriage

Nine days ago, I made a post about how my unemployed wife had spent $1,176 on delivery apps in just a month. This is egregiously outside of what we can afford to spend on takeout, and since she didn't seem willing to stop, I canceled our credit card and moved the money from our joint account into my own.

For the following few days, my wife kept talking about how I was financially abusing her. She threw several tantrums despite apparently being severely malnourished, threatened divorce, threw a bunch of the food we had in the fridge away to try and strong-arm me into letting her get takeout, and even tried to guess my bank account password a bunch of times (sorry, my password isn't TacoBell123). That last one was how I learned that if you try to guess someone's bank account password enough times, the bank will send them an automated email.

But last Friday, the complaints and threats stopped. She seemed mostly back to normal. I figured she had given up.

That was until today, which was garbage day. When I took the last bag out before taking the bin down to the curb, I discovered half a dozen fast food bags and other takeout containers in it.

My wife wasn't supposed to have access to money. I had no idea how she was affording the food. I confronted her about it, and at first, she denied everything. I had to bring all of her fast food garbage in to get her to fess up: She had taken out a loan. Now, I thought that she had borrowed money from a friend or family member. But she had taken out one of those predatory payday loans.

Before you ask, no, I have no idea how she was approved.

Within the next hour, I froze my credit. I then drove her to the payday loan place, where I paid the loan off in cash. I will now have to dip further into my savings to pay the rent.

I suppose in a certain way, cutting her off was successful. She didn't order takeout anymore. She just drove to the restaurants to pick up her food, for the low price of $20 for every $100 she borrowed, or $60 in fees in total.

In addition, I told her that we would be getting divorced. So yeah. My marriage is over. I don't even know what alimony laws in my state are like, but I assume she'll happily live in a cardboard box under a bridge if Uber Eats will bring her food there.

This sounds like an addiction, and it appears he has zero-empathy for her. I think they should just split. It's clearly spiraled beyond control, and I'm honestly worried for his finances now going forward. I hope he can still help her as a friend, but he should know this is a full-time job that seems like it'll require some level of professional help, not just his patience. Read the rest of the thread here.

My Girlfriend Wanted Me To Bounce For A Girl's Night, I Said No

Last week I had a stressful week at work, so I was looking forward to a chilled weekend. My girlfriend had plans to go out with friends, so I was planning a nice relaxing evening on Saturday. I got some food in, got a few drinks in, and was looking forward to catching up on some Netflix shows and playing some video games.

Saturday morning, my girlfriend mentioned that most of her friends had to cancel except one. She said she'd invited that friend over for the evening for a girls' night. She said they were going to watch movies and have snacks, etc. I mentioned that she knew I was planning on having a relaxing evening and that I was getting burnt out. She asked if I could do it another time and either go somewhere else for the evening or just sit in the bedroom and read or watch things on my phone for a few hours.

I told her that I'm not being kicked out of my own home and that if she wants an evening with just her friends, then they can go to her friend's since I had plans for the evening.

She said I wasn't being fair, but I just pointed out she's just decided that her plans changing is more important than what I had planned and is acting like it's acceptable to kick me out of my home. I said if she wants an evening in with her friend, then we can discuss it another time, but for this Saturday it's not going to happen.

She just said again that I was being unfair.

I don't understand being with somebody who you don't like as a friend. Keeping your friends a bit separate from your partner makes sense, especially since you get to have a safe space to rant about said person with your boo. However, I think it's a red flag when your partner treats them like two separate worlds. Again, give people space, but I do think it's weird to make your friend group exclusive from your partner, who in my opinion, really should be your best friend. Read the rest of the thread here.

Read last week's edition here.

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